A summary of the medieval story Der arme Heinrich by Hartmann von Aue. If you enjoyed the now-defunct website The Toast, you might like this too. If not…I have other posts. Go here if you’ve never seen an American pharmaceutical ad.
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The lifeblood of a virgin of marriageable age is an exciting new treatment from Salerno Pharma.
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*Side effects of sacrificing a virgin may include dry mouth, crippling guilt, PTSD, and an eternity in Hell. Some users may experience revenge murder by girl’s family. Do not use The Blood of a Virgin if you already suffer from nightmares or insomnia.
Heinrich: What?
Pharma rep: What?
Heinrich: That last part was really fast…what did you say?
Pharma rep: Oh nothing, just some random words. If you’re not sure about the treatment, look, I have a coupon. Our doctors in Salerno are just great. You’ll be so glad you did it!
Heinrich: OK: you’re saying if I go to Salerno and have a doctor stab some young lady in the heart, while I just sit there and watch, I’ll be cured and I can go back to running my estate and doing everything I used to do? How do I even arrange this thing? Can I kidnap an orphan who is definitely a bad person?
Pharma rep: Actually, she has to sacrifice herself willingly, otherwise it doesn’t work.
Heinrich: &#%@$!@#*%$#%#&! Nobody’s going to do that! Get lost, I have mud to wallow in.
Peasant girl: I could help you
Heinrich: You don’t know what you’re talking about, girl.
Girl: I want to die
Heinrich: Girl, you’ve been nicer to me than all my noble friends. I’m not going to kill you! Go help your mom card wool.
Girl: Mom, I totally want to die
Mom: Carding wool’s not that bad, honey.
Girl: No, to help Heinrich and then I’ll go to Heaven – Win-win!
Mom: Well I don’t know about that dear…
Girl: I want to go to Heaven! What’s the point in waiting? This place is, like, a complete vale of tears
Mom: Ask your father.
Heinrich: So you’re really sure you want to do this?
Girl: YES!
Heinrich: You don’t want to turn around? We can turn around.
Girl: NO!
Heinrich: Fine. When we get to Salerno, let’s have some Limoncello. It’s pretty good, it might even make you want to live, ha ha….
Girl: SHUT UP I WANT TO DIE
Heinrich: So I guess this it is, girl. Thanks for helping me when I was down and also agreeing to be murdered…you’re the best. I’ll nail a piece of your sleeve to my shield for tournaments.
Girl: Whatevs
Doctor: Lie down here, girl. You’re going to feel some pressure…
Girl: AMEN
Doctor: Oh wait this isn’t the right knife…where’s the really, really sharp one?
Heinrich: STOP! No, no, no. I can’t do this to you, girl. Get up.
Girl: WHAT NO PLEASE KILL ME
Doctor: You still owe me 200 ducats for my time.
Heinrich: Back to Swabia, then…
Girl: Coward! I hate you!
Heinrich: You know, I feel better. A lot better. Look at my hands! Do you think God is rewarding me for being selfless?
Girl: Why are you even asking me things
Heinrich: I’m cured! Let’s think about what this all means.
Girl: Do we have to
Heinrich: God punished me with leprosy because I was too worldly. And you, girl, honestly you could stand to be more worldly. You know what would balance this all out? If we got married.
Girl: OK that makes a kind of sense
Image citations: 1. Medieval leper bell at the museum Ribes Vikinger, Ribe, Denmark 2. Hartmann von Aue in the Codex Manesse, http://digi.ub.uni-heidelberg.de/diglit/cpg848/0364 3. Sheep pen from Luttrell Psalter, British Library 4. Man riding donkey in the Penitential Psalms, from The Dunois Hours, France (Paris), c. 1339 – c. 1450, Yates Thompson MS 3, f. 162r British Library 5. Can’t find a specific citation for this one, just a statement that it’s in the public domain. 6. Donkey, man loading bag. England c.1236. Harley 3244 British Library 7. Royal MS 6 E VI, f. 104r British Library